Always Ain't Forever

I am compelled to blog. So much has been going on with me and I am HIGH anxiety right now. Everything bothers, frustrates, angers or appalls me. I need something, not sure what but I need something. I am thinking I need to get away but not sure that its a change of scenary . . . if my issues are internal the change of scenary means nothing . . . but if its just the stress of all that is happening or that I'm going through then the change may do me good. I need to rest . . . but its difficult because I don't like to sit around and do nothing. But it is obvious that I would benefit from a vacation or the opportunity to not feel the stresses of this disease. So since last I blogged I have suffered a fever of over 100 for over 1 week . . . apartenty by infections hide and they could be caused by anything and be anywhere. The lack of an active or agressive immune system is devastating me. Now that the fever is gone, I feel like crap and am in intense pain. The pain that was in my lower back now begins in my lower back and the spreads up into my back and goes onver my left shoulder blade and travels down my left arm and stops around my elbow. Just way too much fun for one person. My rheumatologist is wonderful. . . she doesn't mind my almost daily calls and does all she can to help me. Soon I will be having my back scanned. Hoping that will tell them why its happening. And my spine just hurts . . . I am dealing with so much and although I know its temporary it is taking its toll on my mental and emotional being. I am some sort of roller coaster . . . I cherish the good days and lament over the bad ones. I spend too much time alone . . . for some reason people think that I am always busy but that is not the case . . . I am alone more often than not. Physical therapy has been good to me. There has been signifcant improvement in muscle range and strength, which is part of the reason my back is such a mystery. Unfortunately, I am not able to continue physical therapy right now because I need to rest as much as I can and the pain is, simply put, severe. I can no longer walk more than 15 feet without the pain taking over. I have the best co-workers because they are always willing to help and they look out for me . . . even my boss is kind enough to find out if I need lunch and will go get it for me. I can't deny the blessing of friends and family. I often think that I need to stop whining or even talking about the disease but right now it is all consuming. I am in constant pain . . . its as hard to explain as it is to live with . . . today a friend touched me and it shot pain throughout my entire body. I had to tell her not to touch me and I'm afraid I hurt her feelings. It's hard to explain that the pain never truly goes away . . . I want so much to blog that life is grand and the pain is rare. I want to blog that both diseases are in remission. I want to blog that I am in a good place mentally and emotionally. I want to talk less about my disease and not feel compelled to tell everyone. I've gotten better at telling people the truth about how I feel but now feel guilty that I'm burdening people with my issues. If I've never said it, Rhupus is not your friend. But I am grateful to God for the friends that surround me and pray for me. I am blessed with a circle of support. And I know I'm going to get through this . . . not sure how long it will take or what will happen in the process but I know it won't always be this way . . . As my grandpop would say, Always aint forever.