Don't know I why I don't call . . .

I am not sure what is wrong with me . . . but apparently there is something wrong. I thought I would use this blog to come clean and be very direct and honest about what I'm thinking and feeling as I go on this journey but that has not been the case. I find myself wanting to "tell it like it is" but at the same time avoiding posting because I don't want people to know that I am not handling this well or to know that I am sick. Maybe I don't want to know that I am sick and when it is in print, there is a permanance - you can't run from print, especially on the internet. So, my current reality is the good, the bad and the ugly. The LUPER is no joke. It is a daily struggle to get up in the morning, to functioning and to staying somehow in a good place. I am excited to wake every morning. I don't take that for granted because well, to be honest, I am never sure that is going to happen. Often when I go to bed I feel like this could be my last day. But I get up and I am grateful and excited. But then I try to move and the pain - the pain is ever present and causes me to cry. I begin almost every day of my life in tears. I get myself up and take a shower and get dressed and hobble down the stairs and greet my best friend with a smile and a "I'm o.k." Now my best friend is brilliant and she knows but she doesn't pry too much, she takes me to work and then makes sure that I eat throughout the day and she takes me home and encourages me to eat dinner. But she knows - one of the reasons she is my best friends is because she always has my best interest at heart and knows when to push and when to let me go but she is in no way afraid to push. I come home and I know I should eat - I need to eat, it's important to eat but I rarely eat. I often fix food but the amount that I eat is so small. Now this is of great concern to me because when I don't eat on a regular basis my body goes in to starvation mode so I don't burn calories, I keep weight and gain weight - and the last thing I need is more weight - I mean honestly. I try to eat, three times a day - now that it's cold, I can't get enough Oatmeal or Cream of Wheat . . . that is great, but then it all goes down hill. I will drink all day - fruit juice being my favorite thing - but I have no desire to put food in my system and no taste for anything. Not even my favorite things. Its crazy and its not good I realize that so I try . . . I really try. But yeah, food is not my thing. Not even sweets even though i find myself surrounded by food. I mean I understand that when you are sick and undergo extreme treatment like chemo things change dramatically. Now the interesting thing is that there is no nausea, no hair falling out, no weightloss . . .so I look like I'm fine and since that is my thing "I'm fine" so people tend to believe me . . . but in reality I don't remember the last time I was fine. I think the closest I've been in a long time was when I was in steriods in August and September. But right now I'm not fine. I am in pain, weak and worried. Don't get me wrong . . . my faith is strong and I truly believe this is my Season of Healing. I feel that I will come out of this experience, stronger, healthier and motivated. Going through it - its just not that easy. I feel like I may be truly coming to grips with all that the doctors have said to me . . . it is sinking in and it is scary. I don't want to die. I have too much to live for - but in reallity, I am dealing with life threatening illnesses. Diseases - dis - ease . . . yeah, that's about it - no ease - lack of ease - without ease - that is the life I am living . . . a life of Dis Ease . . . and waiting for the healing. The healing that I know will come because I am confident that it will come but on the journey - it is scary. All that being said - the spot on my kidney is gone. Yepper, gone - it just disappeared. Like it was never there. And my kidney function is great . . . but don't get too excited. I have 2 more weeks of treatment. Because it could still be there - post treatment if it is gone and the kidney function is still high then there will be excitement - until then, there is some relief, a lot of praising God for mercy and some vigilance. But then there is the Lupus - of the 2 diseases, it would seem lupus is the less devastating but no - it is the one that may take me out. Right now it is "aggressive." What does that mean, it means it is reaking havoc on my body. It is causing swollen joints which make it difficult to walk, move, or sleep. - it is causing pain - extreme pain. My actual skin hurts. And oh the strange discoloring on my skin - it is horrifying everytime I see another strange colored spot or discoloring. And I have a tooth-ache. I think I have a cavity. The problem is I am terrified of dentist. I would rather go to the gyn then go to the dentist. I do not go, do not want to go and can not see myself going to the dentist. But I may not have a choice in this one. The only place I trust is Miller Oral Surgery - they took out my wisdom teeth when I was 21 or 22. It was pleasant I wasn't in distress and not a lot of pain. So if I have to that is where I will go again, but I really don't want to go . . . but I'm not dealing with this pain well, so I may have to break down and go. I have a housemate. I see her almost every day and she knows none of this. I saw her this morning, she was on her way to church and she said "Good Morning" and I said "Good Morning" but she had no idea that I was frozen in place by pain. Why is it I can't be forthright and honest with the people closest to me - the people that care - the people that will help ?? It is starting to bother me - I have to stop putting on a brave face - I have to stop pretending that I'm o.k. - I have to admit that I need help and that I'm in pain. I have to wonder if I am adding stress to my body by holding these little facts in . . . How to let go and admit your honest state of existence - how do I do that ? Why can't I do that ? This is a good start - this is my first step . . . I know there are many people along the journey - many scarecrows, tin men/women and lions . . . I need to reach out and grab their outwardly stretched hands and let them help me down my fuschia bricked road. (You know pink is my signature color) : )