A Season Of Healing

In some ways I feel that a lot has happened since my last post and in others I feel like nothing has really happened. I haven't blogged basically because I've found myself really tired. I've started using my phone to update my FB from bed. So it is rare that I sit down at a computer. I guess an update is definitely in order. I got a job ! Yepper, a job and it has health care benefits. So my whole life is changing for the better in many many ways. I am so grateful for a job. I love this job and it makes me happy to get up everyday and go to work. I'm getting used to the schedule and find myself taking a nap when I get home and still going to bed at 10:30 or 11:00 : ) But it is good. I am looking forward to being paid every 2 weeks and being able to splurge on things like medicine and fresh fruit. So, now I have to formulate a plan to repay the people who helped me in my deepest darkest time. I don't want to stress myself out about how I'm giong to do it or how quickly I'm going to be able to do it because I am suppose to elimnate stress from my life. I also feel like each person who reached out to save me is patient. I have found myself in a lot of pain and there is a lot of inflammation. I'm afraid my ankles will never come back and I'll never be able to rock a dress the way I used to . . . oh, the good ole days : ) My kidneys hurt so much now and days(or is it now in days?) but I know that the chemo will do its job and the pain is temporary. I daily find myself trying to decide if my pain is from the lupus or the other issue. I know the inflammation is all lupus and honestly it has never rocked me the way it is rocking me now. It is truly rocking me to my core. But this too shall pass. I've had so many feelings racing through me over the last month and a half. I have dealt with fear and pain, happiness and love - I've been depressed and down and then elated beyond words. It's a crazy rollercoaster. I am not fond of rollercoasters. I am trying to focus on the positive . . . I think it is the pain that drives the negative. At times it is indeed intense. As I sit here and type, my spine and kidneys are killing me but it feels better to sit up than to lay right now. Of course that could change any moment. My body is fickle right now. I am learning to ask for help and I am learning that there are a lot of people in my life who are willing to help me. It is beautiful. I am learning that it is o.k. to express pain. I am learning that everyone doesn't expect me to be strong and so maybe I shouldn't be disappointed in myself when I am all too human. I feel vulnerable and I think that fuels fear also. I don't like feeling helpless. I am the person that helps out and reaches out to make other people's lives better. But this is the time in which I have to figure out how to reach out to myself and make my own life better. I just don't want to be selfish. I feel like other people could be using my help and I'll be o.k. Further evidence that I'm a work in progress . . . and I'm still learning. I must say I'm overwhelmed by the support, care and love I've received over the last month or so. I'm not surprised because I try to ally myself with good people who have good morals, good ethics and good hearts but it is truly amazing to see that in action. I am tired now and feel weak. So I am going to go to bed. I will try to make the time between blogs shorter. Thanks for reading. I know that I am blessed in the midst of adversity and that this is truly my Season of Healing.