Play Through The Pain . . .

The steroids they gave me were fabulous . . . they reminded me that I could indeed be pain-free.  The steriods also said to me that my conditions no matter how horrible were treatable.  The steriods allowed me to stand up after sitting down without feeling like I had atrophy.  The steroid was like nothing I had experienced because it took away a myriad of pains and problems . . . of course there were some side effects.  I WANTED MEAT ! not just beef but steak.  I had the overwhelming need to eat MEAT !  I wanted steak - not hamburger but MEAT !  This was a source of amusement for me and my friends/family.  As they watched me take my place at the top of the food chain : )   The steriod also did a good job of making me eat breakfast, lunch and dinner. 

I found myself eating several times a day and getting a snack in, here and there.  I had not eaten three meals a day in so long . . . I  had developed this habit of eating around 1:00 p.m. and then maybe a snack or something light at night but then basically eating once a day . . . now I justified this by making sure I was eating something healthy . . . 2 veggies and a fruit with each meal.  Yepper, I know, this was not good but to be honest, I really didn't have a desire to put food in my system.  I didn't have a taste for anything, except Jackson House and there were times when I didn't want that either.  So the steriod, even though it made some foods taste weird, jump started my appetite and my metabolism.  All of a sudden, I had this energy.  I didn't take naps . . . I could stay awake for 12 - 14 hours and that was rare.  I took naps everyday because I could barely keep my eyes open after 5 hours . . . but that steriod - it had me alert and aware. 

The steriod took away all the tingling and nerve sensations . . . it was amazing.  I could stand to make dinner without pain or discomfort.  I was amazed that I didn't have strange pains and tingling going on.  

The steriod was the most amazing thing that happened to me in so very long . . . but alas, all good things come to an end.  Apparently, you can't stop steriods cold turkey so they weaned me.  The weaning process is not pretty.  All of a sudden I was feeling.  A tingle here - a pain there - a stabbing here - a throbbing there . . . and it was all too real.  At one point all the pains flooded into my body at one time.  Wednesday, September 7th all the pain flooded into my body at once . . . within a one hour I went from comfort to absolute torture.  My body turned on me . . . and I became very aware that I am in a Season of Healing but that it is a process.  I felt very betrayed by my body because it seemed that every body part was hurting and that every muscle was agitated.  And for the first time I was very honest about the pain . . . and it felt good not to pretend.

By Thursday morning I could only focus on the fact that my body was responding the way the doctors wanted . . . if my body was in full flux and I was experiencing complete pain then I could go to the hospital and have the next battery of test run.   All this pain leads to healing !   I focused on the fact that if my body was feeling all the pains and my nerves were sensing  - then the steriods had worked and I was ready for the next level of treatment.  On Thursday, September 8th, I just wanted to lay around and sleep but I still wanted MEAT !  So the weaning was happening and the steriods had worked but oh, yeah, the Susquehanna was about to overflow.   I went to my best friend's house to help her pack her first floor.  She and her family were going to come to my house if they needed to evacuate.  I got the call from my housemate that we lost power.  My best friend wanted me to stay with her so that if we needed to evacuate we would be together.  My best friend and her husband are amazing people who constantly look for ways to help other people and be of service.  So they were very serious about me staying with them.  They took great care of me - made sure I ate and was as comfortable as I could be.  I was so completely exhausted and so full of pain - all I could do was lay on their couch.  On Friday night, my power came back on and I returned home.   Oh, yeah, I didn't take my medical test on Friday because I thought the hospital would appreciate me staying home . . . in the midst of the flood craziness.  But of course I was in pain, so my doctor advised me over the phone and gave me pain meds.  

My birthday is coming up . . . the one day a year where I feel like I am special.  I spend that day surrounded by my nieces and nephews if I can . . . I always hope for friends and family to bring the laughter and remind me that my life is worth living because I am surrounded by people like them . . .  My closest circle took me out to dinner on Saturday and it was good . . . minimal pain and maximum laughter.  I feel so loved and cared for in the midst of this circle.  I think the love they bring is as powerful as the pain meds.   But when I got home I took some pain meds just in case : )

Today, my nephew plays varsity high school football and I'm missing the game (McD).  I rarely miss anything my nieces and nephews participate in - nothing is more important than my nieces and nephews.  I woke up with a slight headache and sore throat.  I am pretty sure it's allergies . . . but I am tired.  This time last year I would have gone to the game and pretended that I was fine . . . but no more lies, no more deception, no more pretending . . . and he is o.k. with me missing this game.  Of course I am going to have to make him a chocolate cake with peanut butter icing because it's his favorite and I adore my nephew : )  

I am in minimal pain today, more discomfort than pain.  I will have to stop taking pain meds now because my body needs to be in full flux tomorrow when I am going through my testing.   So within the next few hours my arms will start to tingle as if I am repeatedly hitting my elbow, my left hand will not really work but it won't be swollen (the muscles will just be inflammed so that the nerve msgs are not being sent or received correctly),  charlie horses will take over my calves and every muscle in my body will start throbbing, my lower back will feel like someone is stabbing me repeatedly because of my kidneys . . . but if my body is in full flux - if  I am in pain and if I am sleepy then the steriod worked, my systems are functioning at high levels and I am ready for the next treatments. 

I can play through the pain because I know that this pain is temporary . . . there are medicines and treatments that will give me comfort - I can live pain-free . . . this is all just a process.  I play through the pain because the pain . . . I've been thrown for a LUPER but it's o.k. . . . this is my Season of Healing.